Oops?
by l'heure bleue
Summary: —3: Rock Hard— "Rock HARD ON... get it?" It was on a normal day that I almost died for the second time. Or ... as normal a day as humanly – haha! Humanly ... – possible at the Cullen house.
1. Oops?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight or any of the characters.

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— **Oops? —**

**_Carlisle POV_**

I was walking down the hall toward my office when I heard quite possibly the most disturbing and generally _wrong_ conversation that would most likely haunt me for the rest of my existence.

"… Edward …"

" … Bella …"

"I'm not sure what to do."

"I don't know any more about this than you do."

I was about to knock on the door to see if I could lend a hand, but their next words stopped me dead — no pun intended.

"Edward, just do it."

"But Bella —"

"Just stick it in!"

"But there are two holes. How do I know which one to choose?"

My son couldn't be _THAT_ stupid, could he?

"Edward, just pick one."

"But I don't want to hurt you."

"It's _supposed_ to hurt the first time, Edward."

"Bella … I don't think it'll fit."

"It'll fit, Edward."

She was annoyed now. I bit my lip and leaned closer to the door.

"No, I don't think it will. Besides, what do I do with it once it's in?"

"I don't know … move it around a little, just to make sure it's in all the way. Then —"

"Do you think if I do it slowly, it'll hurt less?"

"No, I think it'll hurt more. Just ram it in, already!"

"All right, all right. Sheeeesh."

There was silence for a few brief moments, and then I heard Bella's anguished screams fill the air. My eyes went wide.

"_OUCH_! Edward, that hurts. Take it out! _Take it out_!"

"Bella, love, don't be a baby. It's already halfway in. I'd rather not."

"Edward, please! It hurts _so much_!"

My eyes were popping at this point. I was imagining the tears in Bella's eyes as she cringed in pain.

"It's almost done, Bella, just —"

"Take it out!"

I slammed the door open with enough force to break it off its hinges, intent on saving Bella from my brute of a son at the same time that Bella screamed.

"_Take the damn earring out_, Edward!"

And as I stared at into both my son's and Bella's eyes, only one word came to my fuzzy, surprised, ancient mind.

"Oops."

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It came to me while I was watching Monsters INC, and I had to write it down. I think I wasted a lot of time writing this rather pointless mess ... By the way, Monsters INC is NOT perverted. I actually blame my friend mostly for this idea ...

**NOTE: **I updated my multi-chapter fic, **My** **Miracle, My Angel**. If you're not currently reading it, please give it a try!

_**Please Review, anyway! **( Pretty please, with an Edward on top? And an earring, too ... )_


	2. Virgin

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight or any of the characters.

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— **The 109-Year-Old Virgin **—

( -**Edward POV **-)

"_Wow_, Edward, your control could rival even _Carlisle's_!" Alice yelled happily as she danced into the room.

There was a large grin stretched over her face, and she was laughing happily when she spotted me and Bella on the couch. Bella was in my lap, her small body curled close to mine. I was playing with her hair, and she was smiling softly, tiredly, as we sat in silence, completely comfortable.

Well, we were sitting in silence until Alice had run up to the door, slammed it open, and burst in, that is.

But, oh well.

"What, exactly, do you mean, Alice?" I asked calmly, wishing more than anything that she wasn't blocking her thoughts from me.

"I mean ... Edward! We were all _really _impressed when you started going out with Bella, because her blood is so irresistible to you and all ... but _this _... _this_... like I said, your control rivals Carlisle's."

At this point, I was sure I didn't want to hear what she was dying to say. I wanted to hear it even less when the rest of the family piled into the living room and Carlisle raised an eyebrow.

"What about me?" he asked, having only heard the last few words of her sentence. He, and everyone else _except_ Alice, was confused.

"Oh, me and Eddie are just having a little conversation about his amazing self control."

Carlisle merely looked amused as he sat on the couch opposite to me and Bella; Esme joined him. Everyone else remained standing. Alice's grin grew to dangerous proportions; if she wasn't careful, her face was going to split in half.

"Care to share what's so amusing, Alice?"I asked, rolling my eyes and rubbing Bella's back soothingly; she yawned sleepily.

"I had a vision last night about what you and Bella got up to while — "

I was suddenly on my feet, glaring fiercely at Alice, my eyes dangerous and my hands clenched at my sides. Bella was looking surprised, on the couch, where I'd just disappeared from under her.

My words were loud, and as dangerous as my eyes.

"Alice, if you say _a single word_ about that, I will kill—!"

"Bella tried to seduce him again last night!"

Six pairs of eyes were suddenly on Bella. Bella was suddenly trying to melt into the couch, her face bright red. I was suddenly about half an inch away from Alice, and Alice was suddenly laughing.

"Seriously, though," Emmett joined in, a grin on his face as he slapped me on the back. I glared at him before turning my attention back to Alice. Emmett continued. "How _do _you do it? First, you, even though her blood is so irresistible to you, spend more time around Bella than could possibly be healthy for you — when was the last time you left her for more than five minutes? — and now you repeatedly manage to refrain from banging her—"

I whirled away from Alice only to clamp my hand around Emmett's throat, effectively stopping his words. He was gasping for the breath he didn't need as he tried to claw my hands from his throat.

When I didn't let him go, Jasper started.

"It's not easy for Edward," he said, and he, too, was grinning. "You should feel the sexual frustration that rolls off of him in waves occasionally. Well ... a lot of the time, actually."

Was my whole family against me? What ... what had _I _ever done to them?

Carlisle, intensely amused, laughed and added, "You know, Edward, if it makes you feel better, it's actually not as hard as you think it is to keep control during ... _intercourse_ ... with a human."

The laughter from every single one of my siblings — Rosalie included, which surprised me; she was never interested in my, or Bella's, personal life — was cut off when Esme turned on Carlisle. The look on her face could only be described as one thing: Livid.

"And how would you know _that _Carlisle Jonathan Cullen!?"

He paled visibly. I raised an eyebrow, and turned on my father. Esme was still glaring.

"Esme, honey — "

"Don't "_Esme Honey_" me!"

He gulped.

"I've never cheated on you, honey!" he said, his eyes wide as he spoke softly, sweetly. "It was over three-hundred years ago! I could never, ever even _think_ of another woman when I have you."

She relaxed a little, but didn't fully let it go. Sadly, as soon as the excitement was over and Carlisle was allowed within ten feet of his wife, everyone's attention turned back to me.

"Soo ... " Alice said, grinning again. "How does it feel being an one hundred and nine-year-old virgin, Edward?"

"All right, _that's enough_!"

My eyes grew wide, and I turned around in surprise to see Bella sitting up on the couch, a pillow clutched to her chest as she shifted her glare to each of my family in turn. I couldn't help but smile; she was standing up for me.

Or ... so I thought.

"I'm leaving, Edward, and don't you _dare_ come over until you've dealt with them."

Alice, Emmett, Jasper, Rosalie, Esme and Carlisle all burst into roars of laughter. I just stared after her, blinking a few times before raising protest.

"You can't leave me here all alone, Bella!" I whined, my eyes wide. She giggled.

"You're not alone," she pointed out, smiling smugly as she stuck her hands through her jacket and sat on the floor to pull her shoes on. "Besides, _I'm_ not the one hundred and nine-year-old virgin. I'm only eighteen, so I have a few years."

My wide-eyed stare turned into a begging glance.

"Bella, please ... besides, what if you hurt yourself on the way home?"

"I won't hurt myself ... right, Alice?"

The small, pixie-like girl nodded happily and said, "She'll make it home, safe and sound."

I ground my teeth together, but not in anger. No, I could never be mad at my Bella. Instead, it was in frustration at my family, and worry for my love.

The door slammed, and I suddenly felt empty. Bella had abandoned me ...

I whirled on my family, my pout still in place. I was about to say something to shut everyone up, but Esme beat me to it. Her words, full of happiness and laughter, served to shut everyone up for a very long time.

"I'm very proud of my one hundred and nine-year-old virgin of a son, for waiting until marriage."

Everyone laughed, but Esme wasn't finished yet. When she spoke again, her words were directed at everyone in general, but her eyes were only on Carlisle.

"Unlike _the rest_ of you!"

I laughed brightly and ran out of the door to find my Bella before my family's attention could turn back to me.

Poor Carlisle ...

* * *

Well ... this one served more to torture Carlisle _and_ Edward, and not so much Bella and Edward.

**NOTE: **So ... as you've noticed, this has turned into a one-shot collection. I'm not sure how often I'll update ... Ideas would be appreciated, and the idea-giver would be credited!

_**Please Review! **( Please, please tell me what you think? )_


	3. Rock Hard

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Twilight or any of the characters.

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— **Rock Hard **—

( -**Emmett POV **-)

It was on a normal day that I almost died for the second time — or as normal a day as humanly (haha!) possible at the Cullen house.

Rosalie and I had just come downstairs after finishing our _activities_, and Jasper and Alice were locked in an un-ending game of poker — she was constantly glancing into the future to see his cards, and he was constantly testing her emotions to see if she was bluffing. Carlisle and Esme were just laying across the couch, together in silence, smiling as they listened to each of us.

Me? Well ... _I_ was listening to Edward and Bella, and I was sure everyone else was, too ... _I_ just didn't bother to hide it. I mean, come on! They're the most interesting couple in our family, by any standards.

Not to mention the most sexually repressed ...

I grinned as I caught another few words. Bella's voice was soft and quiet, and you had to pay extra attention to catch everything she said.

"Edward, can I take a shower? I'm all sticky and gooey."

My brother laughed softly, then agreed and quickly showed her where the bathroom was once again before returning to his room. I heard the water start, and I heard Bella start humming — she sung in the shower. It was fun to tease her about.

I heard Esme sigh.

"Emmett, are you listening to Bella and Edward again?"

I just grinned without answering and turned my attention back to my _oh-so_-repressed brother as I heard Bella call for him.

"Edward, I need shampoo."

"I thought ... " But then he trailed off, paused, and continued. "Oh, yeah, it's still in your bag. Let me get it for you."

My grin widened.

"Here — "

But his words were cut off by a bloodcurdling scream from Bella, our clumsy little human. Everyone in the living room jumped up in surprise, but Bella's next words made us all laugh and calm down.

"Edwaaaaard! Handing me the shampoo _does not_ require _opening the curtain_!"

I started rolling on the floor, laughing, as I heard a loud '_thunk_' and then Edward cursing silently — too quietly for Bella to hear.

"Sorry! But geez, you didn't have to break the shampoo bottle."

"Edward," Bella said patiently, and I could almost see her smiling. "_I_ didn't break it. Your head did."

"_You_ threw it at me."

There was a teasingly angry edge to their voices, but I knew neither one was actually upset. They never got mad at each other ... and when they _did_, they got over it in a matter of seconds.

"Well, it's not _my_ fault you have a rock hard head."

I couldn't help the huge, dominating smile that spread across my lips as I took in a deep breath to yell — Alice cut me off, however.

"That _will not_ go over well with either one of them," she warned me, but she, too, was smiling widely.

I shrugged and screamed, anyway.

"That's not the only thing _on_ him that's _rock hard_!" I paused only long enough for a loud roar of laughter to escape me. "_Rock_ _hard on_ him, get it?"

There was a long silence throughout the house, and only my laughter, Jasper's snickers and Esme's disapproving sighs broke it. Then, finally, Bella spoke.

"Edward?

"Yes, love?"

"Will you do me a favor?"

"Anything for you."

I could see them both smiling, and it was then that I began fearing for my life.

"Could you kill Emmett for me?"

"Of course, my love."

"Run," Carlisle advised, a large smile spreading across his lips as I jumped to my feet. I nodded.

"Good idea."

Like I said, it was on a normal day that I almost died for the second time ...

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_Whatcha think_? Hehe. It came to me last night, and I went over it completely in my head as I showered. I wrote it down this morning, and now I'm posting it.

**IMPORTANT NOTE**: This collection has been nominated for **Best Comedy **at "The Twilight Awards". Details ( And a link! ) are on my profile. PLEASE GO VOTE!

_**Please Review! **( Please? Please? )_


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